Of Late Night, Running, and Pepper Spray

Recently, I have been so scared to go home very late at night. From city center, it will take me approximately 50 minutes by bus to my house.

I never had problems with late nights before. I remember I even went home as late as almost 1 am. But that was before an incident happened which is freaking me out until now.

Around two weeks ago, I made a mistake of entertaining a short conversation with a male stranger in the bus. I am not sure what caused that sudden weakness and letting down of guard. All I remember is that I was still grieving for the loss of my uncle who passed away a few days before the said incident.

I might have encouraged him to pursue me or something because he followed me home. Oh yes, he followed me home. He was asking a lot of things I don't understand since obviously I don't speak Turkish and he attempted some sly moves.

Thinking about that incident now makes my blood boil. Now, I cannot help but be scared all the time when I get in the bus because he might be in there and might follow me again at home.

The quality and quantity of time I spend with my intern friends is greatly affected. I am always so giddy to go home that I cannot strike even a healthy conversation with them.

Like right now, I met Sevim, the dance teacher of our school, for some Turkish lesson. We got so carried away that we finished at 9. Then, I have to go to Doping to celebrate the birthday of Katya's brother but I can only stay for a few minutes because I have to take note of the time. I don't want to go home very late. At the station, I have to wait long for my ride because apparently, the schedule of the bus is not frequent late at night. I got home at around 10:30 and while half walking half jogging towards our apartment, I was so alert with the pepper spray in my right hand and the telephone on my left hand just in case any untoward incident happens.

And then, the idea that I feel guilty coming home late because my host family is waiting for me also bothers me. I don't want to give them any discomfort and uneasiness that I am still outside the house at such hour.

Hay. What do I do with this feeling and situation? I just hope this emotion wears out quickly and that I get to feel comfortable and safe again at night.

Oooofffff ya... Hay... Umarim.